Imperial Randomness: The Reposting
by Theaphelia
Summary: A repost of a "fic" I wrote ten years ago Emperor Vandole and his cronies are trying to take over the world and defeat the Mana Knight...but what do they get up to in their free time? Random, OOC, overall stupid...enjoy!
1. Table Talk

A/N: Hi there. Erm...this fic bears some explaining. This is a REALLY old one, probably nine or ten years old by now. I posted it back when I was in high school, and some of you may recognize this one, but considering it's been ten years...well. XD

So, I was 15 when I wrote this. Yes, it's random. YES, it's stupid. _YES_, I still get a kick out of it. **_YES_**, it probably would have been better off left on my hard drive where I could enjoy it privately, but I'm posting it on the offchance that someone else (and I know ONE person who will :P) might enjoy it too. Keep my age at the time (15) in mind when reading and flaming. :P

There are 22 chapters that I'm willing to post (there were 23, but the last chapter is so ergh that I'm omitting it). I'll be posting them one at a time, whenever I remember to do so. I'll (try to) be keeping edits to a minimum, only changing unintentional spelling errors and fixing the names of things I didn't know back then. This fic, God willing, will NOT be continued once I finish posting the originals. With that said, let's hop right on this trainwreck and VAMANOS. :D

* * *

[Original] A/N (That is not taking up the whole page so shut up): Here's my first SoM /SD2 fic ever. Be prepared for total randomness, OOCness, insanity, and things that have nothing to do with SoM whatsoever. Most of these take place in no particular period during the game, but it's definitely during the game, and the main characters will be mentioned. I named them all after Norse gods:

Hero: Baldur

Girl: Eir

Sprite: Loki

Some people prefer the Japanese names. I hate them. I'm SUCH an American o.0

Enough babbling.

* * *

Emperor Vandole stood before the Mana Heroes, laughing triumphantly.

"Hahaha! I've tricked the resistance AND the Mana knight at the same time!" He laughed some more. "I rock! I am the BEST Emperor ever!" He laughed some more. And some more.

"Uh, sir," said one of the soldiers, "Don't you think you ought to imprison them now?"

"Shut it, you, can't a man enjoy his victory?!" He growled. "Ha ha ha!" He sighed. "Capture them!" He pointed at them. The soldiers grabbed them.

"Get off me!" cried Eir.

Loki tried to run away, but they had lifted him off the floor and he was kicking at the air.

Suddenly, the two guards holding Baldur were run over by an armored Geshtar on his Mech Rider.

"Whee!" Cried Geshtar. He turned around and flew back across the room, waving his arms in the air. "Look, Emperor! No hands! Wheeeeee!"

The emperor rolled his eyes and yelled at the guards, who were still laying on the ground. "Continue capturing them!"

They carried the Mana knights out of the room. Vandole resumed laughing.

"Ha ha ha! Hohohoho! Heehee! Hahahahahahaaaa! HAHAHA! HA HA HA! HOHOHO! HA! HA! HA!" He stands before the long meeting table triumphantly. "Hoo." He points at the table. "Don't look at me like that! I'm enjoying victory!"

The table rudely ignored him.

"I SAID STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!"

The table didn't reply. Thanatos walked into the room, and stared at the fuming emperor.

"I DEMAND THAT YOU CEASE GAZING UPON ME!"

Thanatos stared some more.

"THAT'S IT! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!" He turned to Thanatos. "You there! Decapitate this table!"

"Uh, the table doesn't have a head, sir."

"Don't give me that! This table was ridiculing me, Tarantulas-"

"My name is Thanatos."

"-EXECUTE IT!"

"The table is an inanimate object, sir."

"I DON'T CARE IF IT'S AN INTIMATE OBJECT-"

"Inanimate."

"JUST KILL IT!"

Thanatos stared at the raving Vandole. If anything, he just wanted to shut him up.

"Sir, don't you think it would be foolish to execute the meeting table?"

"NO! IT'S MAKING FUN OF ME!" He screeched. He turned back to the table. "I DO NOT HAVE MACBETH SYNDROME!"

"But sir, if we kill the meeting table, where will we meet? We'll have to stand, and people will get crampy legs, and they won't pay any attention to you. Then nothing will get done," Thanatos explained, hoping the Emperor didn't realize that people sat on chairs and not tables.

Emperor Vandole stared at Thanatos, obviously surprised he had overlooked this important detail. "Uh...well, then, just take it to the torture chamber! It MUST be punished!"

"You're a lost cause," muttered Thanatos, storming out of the room. He slammed the door shut.

Vandole stared at the door, pouting. "I am NOT a cause. I'm an emperor." He pouted more. "And I know where I am." He glared at the table. "I have disobedient furniture AND disobedient bodyguards." He glared at the table some more. "FINE! If you won't stop staring at me, I'll just stare you down!"

And so, Vandole sat cross-legged on the floor, staring at the long mahogany meeting table with an unblinking gaze.

* * *

Three days later, Sheex, Geshtar, Fanha, and Thanatos sat at the meeting table, waiting for Vandole to conclude his staring tournament with the table.

"This is ridiculous," muttered Sheex.

Geshtar threw a screwdriver at the emperor. It hit him in the shoulder, but he didn't flinch.

"Let's just start the meeting without him," said Geshtar.

"We can't," replied Thanatos, "he's the one who said he had a new plan. That's what this is about."

"How can he have a plan when he's been staring at the table for three days now?" asked Fanha.

"He scheduled the meeting four days ago."

"Oh."

Geshtar threw a wrench at Vandole. It bounced off his head with a hollow _Clonggggg_.

"All empty," said Sheex.

Vandole stood up suddenly, crying. "I GIVE UP! YOU WIN, OKAY?! DON'T EAT MEEEEE!" He ran out of the room, sobbing hysterically.

Thanatos growled. "This meeting is as good as over."


	2. Anime Hair

A/N: Eh, I don't know that I'm going to be able to keep this "untouched," as much as I said I was going to. My inner editor is throwing a fit, so Imma have to give into it a _little_ bit. :P It can't do anything but improve this mess, anyway.

* * *

[Original A/N:] You actually want to read more randomness? Okey dokey.

Fanha has hair trouble and Harry Potter makes a cameo!

* * *

Fanha stood in front of the mirror, frowning, trying to get her hair to lay flat. "Stupid hair!" she screeched. She tried to kick her hair, but ended up falling over backwards and landing on her butt. "Ow!"

Suddenly, a messy-haired boy with glasses appeared in her mirror. "Hey, you're not alone in the world!"

"Who in the name of Sylphid are YOU?" Fanha demanded.

"My name is Harry Potter, and I suffer from A.H.S."

"You suffer from _what_?"

"Anime Hair Syndrome. It causes the afflicted person's hair to stick up in totally abnormal positions, like yours."

"What's anime?" Fanha asked.

"Cartoons that originate in Japan."

"What's Japan?"

"A country in the far east, by Asia."

"What's Asia?"

Harry glared at her. "It's that large continent on the other side of the world. You know, the one where half of it is taken up by Siberia!"

"What's Siberia?"

"A FROZEN WASTELAND, DAMMIT!"

"Ohhh!" she cried, suddenly understanding. "You mean the Ice Country!"

"If that's how you know it, yes!"

"But where's Japan?"

Harry slapped his forehead. "You know what? I came here to help you with your hair, not your geography skills!"

Fanha sighed. "But how can you help me when I have a disease that exists in a country that doesn't exist?"

"Japan exists!"

"No, it doesn't!"

"Yes, it does!"

"No, it doesn't!"

Suddenly, Fanha's bedroom door slammed open and a grumpy Thanatos stormed in. "Will you shut up in here?! I'm trying to raise the Mana fortress!"

Fanha smiled, ignoring his complaint. "Hey Thanny, where's Japan?"

"My NAME is Thanatos. Japan is a country that existed about fifteen years ago, until the Republic blew it up."

Fanha turned back to Harry. "I SAID it didn't exist!"

"Well, it exists in MY world!" Harry retorted.

"Well, your world is stupid!"

"And so are you!"

Fanha screeched and grabbed the nearest object she could find and threw it at Harry's face, shattering the mirror. Thanatos screamed. "YOU _IDIOT_! YOU TOOK MY MASK!"

"I did?"

"Yes, you did!" cried a little mirror shard. Fanha looked at the shard and saw that it - as well as the other five hundred shards - had little Harries in them. She groaned.

Thanatos was crawling on the floor with his hair pulled over his face, trying to find his mask while dodging the broken pieces of mirror. Fanha found his mask among the glass and handed it to him. He put it back on and stood up angrily. "If you EVER touch my mask again I'll imprint that kid's face into your forehead!" He threatened, then stomped out the door.

Fanha gazed at the mess of broken glass and little Harries on her floor. "How did you even get in my mirror, anyway...?"


	3. Mickey the Mech Rider

[Original A/N:] This chapter's more random than I intended., but i think it's funny.

* * *

Sheex was on his way to the meeting hall when something ran into him.

"Ow!" He looked up to see Geshtar's mech rider, apparently running on autopilot, soar over his head. Geshtar jumped over him.

"Whee!" cried Geshtar, chasing the mech rider. "Look Sheex, _no rider!_" The mech rider turned down another hall, and its creator followed. A few seconds later, the machine rode back past the hallway in the opposite direction, followed by Geshtar. A few seconds later, it passed yet again, in the opposite direction. This continued for some time, until Sheex rememberd that Vandole had summoned him.

"That guy needs some fresh air," muttered Sheex. "He breathes in too many gasoline fumes."

He continued towards the meeting hall. He ran into Fanha, who looked positively, well, harried. "Sheex! Do you know how to cure anime hair syndrome?"

"...huh?"

"I have a bad case of it."

"What's anime hair?"

"I think it's a popular hair style in a place called Japan that originated in a cartoon by the same name. It seems to have stricken me."

"What's Japan?"

"Thanny said it was a country that was blown up by the republic because they thought it was an imperial base."

"Oh," Sheex said, still unsure.

"It was by the ice country...?" Fanha prodded.

"I don't know anything about it." Sheex walked past her and continued to the meeting hall, where Thanatos and Vandole were waiting for him.

"You called?" said Sheex.

"Um...I think so." Vandole looked to Thanatos for an answer. He nodded.

"What do you want?"

"Uh...I need you to go to the tree place," Vandole said. "There's one of those things there that we need for that mission thingy."

"What place?"

"You know, the tree place?"

"WHAT place?"

"The grand place! The Mana place! You know, the big place!"

"WHAT PLACE, DAMMIT!"

"He means the PALACE," muttered Thanatos. "He left out a letter."

"I did not!" Vandole argued.

"You did so!"

"The palace is a place, isn't it?!"

"Yes, but-"

"But nothing! The palace is a place, and he should know what place I was talking about!" Vandole said stubbornly. Thanatos just shook his head and turned away.

"Sir," Sheex said, "if you never mentioned the palace before, how would I know that that was the place you were speaking of?"

"Um..."

Suddenly, Geshtar's mech rider burst through the door, followed by the mechanic, still on his gasoline-induced high.

"Whee!" They went through a door to the side, and came back through a window. "Whee!" They went out through another window, and came in though a skylight. "Whee!"

"How does he do that?" asked Vandole.

They went out through the main entrance and came back in through a trapdoor. "Whee!"

"I didn't know we had a trapdoor there," said Sheex.

The mech rider ran out of fuel and fell out of the air, landing on the table. Regardless, Geshtar continued running around. he ran out through a window, and ran back in through the main entrance. "Whee!"

"Will you knock it off?!" yelled Thanatos.

Vandole waved his hand at the sorcerer. "Don't yell at him, Tostitos, he's-"

"THANATOS."

"Whatever. He's entertaining me."

Geshtar ran back in through a brick in the wall, out through the trapdoor, in through the window, out through the ceiling, in through the main entrance, out through the main entrance, in through the skylight, out through the window, in through the trapdoor, out through a candelabra-

"This is ridiculous!" yelled Thanatos, glaring at the emperor, who was laughng hysterically on the floor. Geshtar ran back in through a curtain rod and fell to the ground, also laughing. His gasoline-induced high ended, and he stood up, and looked around the room, unsure of what was so funny.

"What am I doing in here?" asked Geshtar. "And what's Mickey doing in here?"

"Mickey?" asked Sheex.

"Yeah, that's what I call my mech rider. Why's he in here?"

Thanatos yanked at his hair. "I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!" He ran out of the room through a tapestry.

Geshtar pointed at the tapestry that Thanatos had exited through. "How'd he do that?"


	4. Mask Tales

Thanatos woke up one dreadful morning to find that his mask was gone.

His bloodcurtling scream woke the dead all the way in Potos Village. Vandole stormed into Thanatos's room and glared at the sobbing sorcerer. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! YOU WOKE ME UP!" the emperor screeched. "And I was dreaming about Poland Spring water! I don't care what your problems are, Doritos, I do not like being woken up!"

"MY NAME IS THANATOS!" Thanatos yelled through his tears.

"I don't care if your name is Ghengiz Khan! Nobody wakes me up and gets away with it!"

Thanatos covered his head with the blanket. "My mask is gone!" he cried from behind the blankets.

"What?"

"I SAID MY MASK IS GONE! Somebody stole it!"

"I can't hear you through the blankets!"

"You're just trying to trick me into showing you my face!"

"I am not!"

"See?! You CAN hear me!"

Vandole pouted. "Damnit."

Thanatos pulled his hair in front of his face and lowered the blanket. "I swear I'm going to feed the dolt who took my mask to Jabberwockey!"

"No can do. The Mana Knight killed him."

"AAAAGH!"

Fanha came into the room. "What's all the yelling about?"

"Someone took his mask."

"THEY TOOK MY BABY!" Thanatos wailed, dissolving into fresh tears.

"You have a baby?" cried Fanha. "Aw, I LOVE babies!"

"He means his mask," said Vandole.

"Oh. Who was its mother? And why are you wearing your child on your face?" Fanha asked of Thanatos. Thanatos shot a glare that could kill dragons at her from behind his hair, but she couldn't see it, and so she was fine. "Isn't that child abuse?"

"Fanha?"

"Yes, Thanny?"

"Shut up. And for the last time, my name is THANATOS."

* * *

Ten minutes later, everyone was up and out of bed. They all sat in the dining hall, and Thanatos stood at the front of the table, his face still shielded by his hair. "Now, listen here. I don't know who did it, but someone took my mask. Whoever took it is to return it to me _right this minute_."

Nobody moved.

"Okay, fine. I'll close the curtains and shut off the lights, then you can place it on the table and nobody will know who you are. I just want my mask back."

"I'm part demon, my eyes are better than yours," said Sheex.

"So...?"

"So I can see in the dark."

"DON'T TELL THEM THAT!"

"I didn't, I'm telling YOU."

"They can hear you!"

"Uh..."

"YOU took it, didn't you?!" accused Thanatos.

"No."

"I bet you did!"

"Nope."

"You just said that because you don't want to give it back!"

"Uh-uh."

"You want to use it for crazy experiments, don't you?! Like some common lab rat!"

"Thanatos," Sheex pointed out, "YOU'RE the sorcerer here. YOU do the experiments."

Fanha gasped. "You do experiments on innocent little lab rats?!"

"No, I do them on Pandorian citizens," Thanatos reassured her.

"Oh. Okay."

Suddenly there was a loud shriek, and someone jumped out from behind a suit of armor. "You do experiments on innocent Pandorians! I _knew_ it!"

Thanatos glared. "Got a problem with that? And who are you, anyway?"

"I'm James Jameson, I'm an activist from the Southtown Human Rights Coalition, and _you're defying people's rights_!"

"So?"

"'SO?!'" screamed James. "These are fellow humans you are talking about-"

"I'm not exactly human," said Thanatos.

"Oh, no, how could I have EVER thought that," muttered the activist sarcastically. "You're Cousin It."

The others were clueless, but Thanatos, being an ancient sorcerer and having seen things from thousands of years past, grabbed James Jameson the human rights activist and threw him out a window. "YOU'RE DEFYING MY RIGHT TO SANITY!" He turned back to the others, then had a realization. "I bet HE took it!" He ran down to find James, who had landed in the Beast Zombies' kennel, and was trying to plead with them.

"No, you can't eat me! You'll be defying my human right to life!"

"As if WE care?" said a beast zombie.

"We're beasts!"

"_And_ we're zombies!"

James whined, but Thanatos pulled him out of the kennel before he could be eaten.

"You ought to teach your dogs about human rights!" yelled James.

He grabbed James's collar. "YOU TOOK MY MASK, DIDN'T YOU, YOU...YOU...MORTAL, YOU!"

"Alright! Yes, I took it! I admit it!" James yelled. "But you're defying people's human rights!"

"I want my mask back."

"Stop infringing on people's rights."

"Give it to me," Thanatos growled.

James stood firm. "Give the people their rights. Free the Pandorans, stop doing experiments on people."

"Give me my mask, and I'll give them their rights." James frowned, suspicious, and Thanatos sighed. "Fine. I _promise. _ I'll _pinky sw__ear _if you want, just give me my mask back!"

"Very well." The activist pulled the mask out of his coat pocket and handed it to Thanatos. The sorcerer put it on, glared at the activist, and then dissolved into childish giggles. "Foolish mortal, so easily tricked!" He ran away, ignoring James Jameson's protests, and danced happily.

Sheex decided to join him, and started singing. "You just figured out Blue's clues, you just figured out Blue's clues! You just figured out Blue's clues, because you're really-"

Thanatos hit him with a nearby oil lamp.


End file.
